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2 years ago, I was at one of the lowest points in my life, if not the lowest point.
I remember so vividly opening my eyes one morning and realizing I had to go another day of feeling this pain. I remember crying out to God that I need him because I can’t do this, and I don’t want to go through another day feeling like this. The days had all kind of melted together.
I felt nothing and numbness, but at the same time felt so much that it physically hurt me. It was truly a huge accomplishment to get out of bed. It was the middle of the pandemic, my heart was shattered in a million pieces, it felt like my world was falling apart in every way, and my depression was high.
I would be around people physically, but I wasn’t there mentally. I would be in a group and have to leave because the only thing I wanted to do was cry. Although the coronavirus was around, there were still happy events like weddings, bachelorette parties, birthdays, etc. that were still going on and during those things, I’d put on “my happy face” and act like everything was fine until I was home again.
I cried a lot, slept a lot, had no motivation, barely ate, and I wasn’t myself.
I didn’t have a lot to give but tried with the little I did. However, during this season I truly clung to Jesus because I don’t think I would have made it out of that valley without Him. Through that time although in the midst it seemed so hard, I see how well God placed people in my life that loved me so well to surround me and help me during that time.
They loved me by just sitting with me while I cried. They loved me by sending an encouraging text or checking in on me. They loved me by simply just being there. They never once said “get over it,” they just loved me. It was a true example of how Jesus loves us unconditionally. When we literally have nothing to give or say He just says “come, be with me.”
Although this time felt like forever, I finally started to heal a little each day. I started by focusing on myself. I began really digging more into the word, started working out, started eating healthy and doing things I enjoyed doing.
It didn’t happen all at once it was small baby steps and perseverance to keep going. I began to slowly start feeling like myself again. I began reading self-help books, the Bible, and my counseling books for grad school. Although they are different topics, they all had a common similarity: loving people and being there for them.
It’s about showing compassion to people and empathizing with people. I learned that we can all accomplish many things in this life that are worldly standards, but I think an even bigger accomplishment is loving and serving others like Jesus. Looking back on that time I see how Jesus was with me and loved me the whole time.
He loved me by knowing I needed that extra year while the world was shut down to be with my family instead of moving to Florida as I had planned. He loved me by removing things and people from my life that needed to be removed so I could find myself again and was protecting me from far more hurt than I was already feeling.
He loved me by giving me people in my life to love me when I was hard to love. All this time He has been loving me and showing me his mercies are new every day.
As I’m reflecting on this journey I’ve been on for the past two years, I’m so thankful for that season. It was such a dark time, but it’s truly one of the moments I grew the strongest in my faith.
I’ve moved from home since that time and had to start over with making friends, finding a church, and all the things that come with moving to a place where you know no one. There have been times when it’s been discouraging and hard, but again I have seen God place people in my life at the perfect moments in order to help me and love me.
I’ve recently been learning to embrace the season I’m in and not just tolerate it. Each season is short, although at some points they may feel long, it really goes by so quickly. There is so much God can teach us in each season, and I pray that we would all learn to find joy in every season we go through.
1 Peter 5:10 states, “And the God of all grace who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast.”
I think it’s such a beautiful picture of how we know we are going to go through hard times, but God will be with us in the middle of it and he’s going to also be there when He brings you out and make you even stronger than you were before. In every season and in every situation, we should look for God in it all.
The Hebrew word “Yirah” means to be in awe of God. That deep longing and desire to look for God’s hand in everything. That means when we have exciting things going on and when we feel like we are at our lowest moments, looking for God in it all.
He is there.
It definitely isn’t easy, but I can truly tell you from my own experience that having hope in God has gotten me through my worst days.
Mental health is real, and we can be so good at hiding and disguising it. We can post on social media the highlights and good things, but the truth is, that’s not real life.
Life is messy and hard, but it can be so beautiful too.
God created us for community and connections.
We aren’t meant to do life alone. We should be together helping each other through the good and the messy parts and looking for God in every part.